It's funny how you're so close, but I cannot bring myself closer to you.

It's funny how we act like strangers after things we've been through.

It's funny how you keep me at distance.

It's funny how you act so differently around me than you act around your friends.

It's funny how I doubt if I'm still a friend to you.

It's funny how I want things to go back to how they were.

It's funny how I'm still longing for you after all this time.

It's funny how I still couldn't over us.

It's funny how you and your girlfriend upset me though you two did nothing to me.

It's funny how this thought of having a chance with you drowns me so deep.

It's funny how none of these things aren't funny at all. 

An update.

You see, I'm trying to hide everything behind my dry jokes, my cockiness, and my ambition to be the alpha. To admit that I have this big stone on my shoulder is just too heart wrenching.

It's not right, but I guess it's not wrong either, huh?

I literally almost lost my sanity. I don't know how to cope with all this. This is not something that you Google and get the answer or the 101 instantly.

I hate to admit that I am weak.
I hate to admit that I need help.
I hate to admit that I cannot do this alone

But actually, I do. I do need help. I do need someone to lean on. I do need advice.

Instead of getting a real help, here I am, whining about my life, exposing the fragility to the anonymous hahaha.

No matter how many packs that I've smoked, no matter how much pills I've taken to help me sleep, no matter how much food that I've binge eating, my happiness is still far from where it belongs.

What a crappy update after a year mia.

Ayo ikut aku
Naik motor mesin waktu
Pulang ke empat tahun lalu
Yang dirimu masih lugu
Kebahagiaan nyata tidak semu

Tak seperti masa kini
Bahagia jauh ada di mimpi
Lara sulit disuruh pergi
Jalan pulang dicari-cari

enlightenment

it hit me hard. yesterday it hit me hard. he's not for me.he's....not. it hurts because it's true. i've been such a fool all this time. it hurts like shit. i feel like shit.

A note to myself.

It's been ages since the last time I've posted something on this page. Now I'm writing it, I have no friggin idea what to write or what to tell (that's ridiculous, I know)

ANYWAY,

The past few weeks have been the hardest. Mental breakdown's everywhere. I feel like my life is surrounded by giant walls, even setting the daily alarm on my phone can be a devastating thing to do. Suddenly, a question popped in my head, asking "what is happiness?" 

and another popped in, "are you happy?" 

Am I happy?

Can we actually define happiness?
Why do we have to be happy?

Why do we have to feel unhappy?

urgh. 

No one can really answer these questions. And those voices that asking me those questions are really getting on my nerves. 

Those questions were running around my head like, for a countless lap, until I decided to STOP. Get yourself together. STOP. just, STOP. 

I tell myself that "why do you have to question everything?!" 

Sometimes it's good to have such questions to satisfy that curious side of yourself, but sometimes it's also not good to have such questions. 

I do realize now that questioning everything doesn't make me any happier or satisfy even if my question got brilliantly answered.

I slowly learn that sometimes you just have to accept things the way they were, and just live with it.

This is life. Is not getting easier. Will NEVER be any easier ( AND ALSO GETTING SHIT-IER AND SHIIIIIIIIIT-IER). It's just we have to get stronger and stronger, Sounds veerrrry cliche and corny, but that's the fact. 

uh, so damn pointless. But again, you don't have to question everything, no?

18!

So this is what happened for the past 5 weeks.

• I moved into a kostan, living with 4 other housemates, fellow med student.
• Got new awesome friends, no drama yet so far. and it's good.
• Med school is crayyyzeeeeeeeeeeeeh. 
• Got friendzoned. *ultra long sigh*
• UTS is coming. Caffeine is on the queue. 

• BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Thank you for the wishes, cake, surprises, and the present my dearly fellas :)

Awesomeness overload!

Hard time.

God. Help. I know You're there. I know.

Rejected.

it's been a while since my last post. things got confusing lately hehe. anyway, SIMAK result went out today, and it appeared that I got rejected by UI twice. I failed snmptn and now simak. pretty saddening, I admit. I was disappointed of myself, and it's kind of frustrating at the beginning. but it's all fine now.

SO, I guess I am now officially a med student of.... I'll let you know later. I'm happy. Undoubtedly happy. Med student. Happy. I'm happy.

Graduated.

what comes to your mind first after hearing this graduated word? 

graduate. graduated. graduation.

for me graduation is like the gate out for your school drama. or may I say, shits.

it's so exciting, ending your misery in highschool, ending your struggle with the grades, with your enemies, friendenemy, shitty teachers and stuffs. 

but I just got this sad idea of graduating. Suddenly this insecurity feeling came up, afraid of losing your close friends, afraid of being forgotten. or forgetting. 

I'm already used to say goodbye, since every crush(es) of mine always left me because of the graduation thingy. 

But I didn't really get bothered by it because I was the one who got left by. But now I'm graduating, I'm leaving too. Not like my those junior days when these crushes left and I stayed, but this time I'm also leaving. 

You know that guilty pleasure of leaving something? Something that actually okay whether you stay or leave for it, but it still hurts to leave by?

I'm so afraid of leaving my life as a youngster, teenage, who can skip class everytime I want because I know my school won't fail my graduation HAHAHA.

I'm  so afraid of being forgotten by people around, I'm so afraid of what's coming up on the future. 

people around me is like getting alzheimer as soon as we got into the college.

I cannot overcome this insecurities. 

if drama in highschool was a shit, so what about planning future? now that's a real shit going on.

I know I sound like a coward through this post. 

 

Finally.

SMAN 48 Jakarta lulus 100%.
alhamdulillah. thank you for all your prayers. So happy. extremely happy. no longer highschool student, no longer have to deal with drama shits regularly from monday to friday.
Tinggal SNMPTN di depan mata. Doain lagi ya hehehe.

*click picture for the bigger size

Ibarat gue lagi berdiri di Jakarta, impian masuk FKUI kayak ada di Merauke.





Yak, sekarang gue lagi jalan mundur ke Sabang. Jauh banget.
God.
00:57am.
God.
It's getting further and further.
God.
I'm going to lose it.
God.
Please don't. Please.

la vie est belle

I'm currently enjoying life. Despite the fact that I'm counting down the days to SNMPTN, and my "pengumuman lulus" hasn't been announced yet, but still, I'm enjoying my life.
You know that moment when you realized that you can actually simply enjoying life like enjoying a song. You can simply laughing at your mistake and unpleasant memories like laughing at SNL skits.
I've through hard times for the past 3 months, and now, my hard-time-clock's battery is dead.

I deserve some happiness. I really deserve some happiness. 

God created my life so beautifully. But it depends on me on how am I going to live this life. In a beautiful way, or not.


:)

Some Questions

I just keep wondering these days. Filling my brain with an enormous number of whys, and a constant face "huh" expression until my mirror gets bored of my face expression.
Maybe some questions will never have the answers. Maybe even Einstein doesn't have an equation to solve  my question. And maybe some questions are better left unanswered to avoid the fucking reality because humans, will never ever accept the truth.

You have some sort of list of your own unanswered questions right? here's mine.

1. Why the fuck I have to live surrounded by a several goddamn morons?
2. Why are problems keep coming and coming without making any queue?
3. Why can't I have an automatic section in my brain that works so extremely fast every time I  get a problem?
4. Why do I have to be in the middle of unrealistic people, who keep imagining and dreaming about their achievement without even giving a single fucking effort?
5. Why am I always feeling lonely? fuck this is dramatic.
6. Why cursing always makes me better?
7. Why can't I be an evil person to all those morons out there, because apparently, those morons are my friends?


If I continue my list, I'm pretty sure that I'll damage the function of my fingers because the list is so goddamn long.
Sorry for the cursing and the horrible, HORRIBLE grammar.
I mean seriously, this post would be twice as horrible as now if I write it in Bahasa.
I know this is useless to ask and always ask but hey, my life isn't perfect. I have those times too haha that crisis-time-ooh-i-don't-know-what-to-do time.




fucked up. a serious one. better spill my curse to my math book.

I miss you.

I miss you, I miss us.  Get well soon, dear. I'm tired of crying  if someone asks me how your condition is. I want you to answer them by yourself, and tell them that you're okay. I love you,  (but not that kind of LOVE, you know that  -__-). I cannot wait to punch you or pull your hair or mocking you with all my heart.  

Sanggatama

"Family is just accident.... They don't mean to get on your nerves.  They don't even mean to be your family, they just are." -Marsha Norman

Sanggatama. Our journey is endless.

Ternyata Saya...

"neng, Oreo kuning dua kan, sama vit?" padahal gue baru dateng ke kantinnya.
"nduk, ragut ya? Belom digoreng niki." padahal gue baru nongol depan meja saji nya.
"nasi dibungkus? Pake ayam suwir sama sop pasti." padahal gue baru nyapa Bu Yadi.
"Hana kalau jumat tasnya pasti putih.. Kalau senin sampe kamis baru yg biru. Iya kan?" kata temen gue sebut saja X.

Segitu membosankannya kah gue sampe orang2 pada apal dan tau banget apa yg bakal gie pesen, pake, omongin, lakuin.

Yang kayak gini bikin gue inget sama nyokap dulu. Dia gondok banget sama gue karena kalau dateng ke Solaria pasti pesenan gue gak pernah berubah. Nasi goreng seafood dan es teh manis.
Karena dia banyak complain dan intensitas ngecengin gue makin sering, akhirnya gue ganti menu. Jadi pesen I Fu Mie. Eh, ternyata enak ya.
Tapi.. Emang dasarnya gue begini, menu tetap yang tadinya nasi goreng, sekarang jadi i fu mie. Kemanapun gue selalu mesen i fu mie.

Gak ngaruh juga ganti menu -___________-


Intinya... Gue kok monoton sekali ya? Gampang ketebak, males berubah.
Maybe it's not a big deal for other people, but for me, yes it is.
Huu. Payah.

Welcoming September

Sebenernya udah tanggal 27, tapi gue baru bisa "welcoming September". Kenapa? Karena dari kemarin September itu gak ada rasanya. Hambar. Malah gak berasa di bulan apa2. Gue gak tau tanggal, gak tau hari, gak tau waktu. Baru tanggal 22 kemarin gue rasa kayak, everything has been put back to where its place. Gue balik lagi jadi manusia setelah jadi zombie.

Hehehe, jadi manusia lagi. Gara-gara siapa yaaa? Gara-gara orang yang baru-aja-dateng-ke-kehidupan-gue.
Gantinya yang lagi kuliah itu. Tuhan Maha baik. Dia ngasi gue 'diary' baru untuk ditulis setelah Arnold bikin kalimat terakhir di 'diary' gue. hehehe.
Tapi ini bukan sesuatu yang amat mega kok. kecil aja. He is already has his crush. So I don't expect much.

Yasudah lupakan.

Intinya, selamat bulan September :)

Seenaknya.

Ketemu kamu berkah,lama kelamaan jadi sampah. 

Kamu pergi seenak jidat, datang lagi seenak pantat.

Dikira gak sakit? Dikira segampang nyembuhin sembelit?

Pergi ninggalin luka, datang lagi bawa bahagia.

Terus pergi lagi. Besoknya datang lagi.

Seenaknya.

Gak tau apa ini perempuan disini udah sempet punya harapan?

Gak tau apa ini perempuan udah sayang beneran?

Gak tau apa ini perempuan udah menyedihkan?

Seenaknya.

Ngaco kan.

Now

I can forget you :)
bland.